I must admit, I was unduly-influenced, and inspired, as a child, by the empire-building efforts of Soylent Communications, et al. They attempted to make what could be considered an adjunct to the Internet: an entire, sort of, Internet 'suite'. Think, like Las Vegas. But on the Internet.
It failed. Part of this was due to changing times, and changing laws. Slowly, every so slowly, they lost their ability to publish the content they wanted to, at an ever-glacial rate. And there was no pushback; there was nothing they could do. When the U.S. Government makes it a legal requirement to keep records of every nude model in every picture you upload, you either comply, take it down, or go to jail. There is not a lot of wiggle room there, when you are the one uploading it on your own webspace.
Over the years, it was kind of sad to behold. I was rooting for them— but, at every turn, somebody got in their way, and put a spanner in their works. It was little things, like Wikipedia being against them. Soon, Wikipedia's zealots and acolytes decided that anything from Soylent Communications was not worthy of inclusion in the wiki. I don't agree with their emotions: certainly, what could be considered personal webpages, I don't think it should have been included. But Wikipedians had a vendetta. That much, I saw.
If you ask Wikipedia— something you should never do— Rotten.com showed up around 1996. I don't particularly disagree with that. If you're curious of Soylent Communications' empire, you can check the Rotten.com Wikipedia page. It includes nearly all of it, sans a few strange pornographic websites that I believe were pay-only.
With a lot of the world against them, in what I parsed to be a few not-very-high but still efficacious places, Rotten.com et al were effectively locked out of further progression, online. I watched as updates to their websites became less frequent. Eventually, Rotten.com was gone. And the rest, is merely ashes.
Soylent Communications failed. In particular, they failed because the passage of time ensures all of our failures. Eventually, we will lose. This is not so much an admission of defeat, as it is a reference to reality: a king reigns. And then...
In part, it was also due to fatigue. If you run something for more than a year, online, you too will feel as though you want to stop running it. They did all of this for more than 20 years.
If the hardware failure hadn't brought down Rotten.com, I suspect that it would've just stagnated forever. Similar to Kibo.com, Triggur.org, et al... and all the other greats. No website can last forever. As Kevin Kelm says on his website, "Good God. I've been writing this crap for ten years." That was 14 years ago.
It wasn't crap, by the way: it was great. But that is how people often feel, existing online, for a time: you make things, and slowly, ever so slowly, you begin to feel... bad.
All of this makes me sad. I am watching as the old Internet crumbles before me. Zug has been gone for some time. At least Bob and George still remains. Sak and Lago have been gone for decades, now. Zartan is gone. Countless others, their works are possibly lost forever.
Was it worth it?
This all makes me sad, because, I too one day dreamed that I could do something like what they did. Certainly, with far less legal interference than Rotten.com, and much less... whatever you want to say that Rotten.com did; but, I wanted to build an empire.
That shit ain't happenin', bro. Rotten.com started when I was 9 years old. I'm 34, now— nearly 35. I got bills, kids— a family.
This shit I was doing online was sad 10 years ago. And I'm not saying 'sad' by other people's standards: I'm saying, I fucking feel depressed when I come on here, now. I have, since I joined Twitter.
Y'know, when we used to play World of Warcraft, we always said that it was omega sad if you were in your 30s, and all you had was World of Warcraft. And that was true— I don't really feel like anybody should be playing World of Warcraft, really heavily, past like, college ages. You can pway, but— you should have more to your life, than just that.
As it stands right now? Doing this? Trying to build some sort of Internet 'empire'? After all these years?
I feel like I'm dying, just writing this.
As much as you'd think it would be, it's not exactly shame that makes me feel like this. At this point in my life, I feel as though I've been hanging on to a feeling that human beings will no longer reciprocate. I longed for friends, like I had, back in Arcadium. But... I've had my hand out in friendship for some time, now, and as the Internet increasingly becomes crazier, I feel increasingly vulnerable, doing that.
People decry parasocial relationships; but then, they like to turn content creators into celebrities that they can puppet around, to get whatever they want, done. It makes you want to stop using the Internet.
I don't get anything out of this, if nobody loves me.
Most of my desire to discontinue doing what I've been trying now for around 15-20 years, if not the past 30, is that I have seen just how difficult it has been, to try to create something everlasting, online. I have witnessed the trials and tribulations, now, of about 4 generations of people. At least 4 distinct online 'eras.' It makes you want to cease to be, the heartache this sort of thing brings.
I don't want to be treated like they treated Shii. Shii was, and still is, a great writer, who was surrounded by people with whom they no longer wished to be associated. So, they left— and began a career, unattached to their former online presence. I don't have that problem, and I never will, but I still wish them the best.
Then I think of Spoony, because he, to me, is the best video creator and online entertainer that I've seen. But he stopped, and he's gotten nothing but crap for it. I'm not going to be treated like he is.
Then I think of Vinny, treated unfairly by Twitch, and by the Internet in general. And I know, in my heart, that— even if I had what he has, I would still not be satisfied.
I recently met a person. They are very efficacious. They have ten times my followers, and true engagement: people care. They protect pretty ladies...
... but, then... I watched, and I wondered if I would be satisfied with what they have. And the answer was still, no.
The sort of Internet Fame I want is no longer possible. People just use and abuse you. There is no good place, here, anymore.
I have come up with a solution. I am going to stop... overextending myself.
A true cessation of my online activities is impossible. There is nothing here to do, currently, and the amount of stimulation I require, and the atrocities that I see on a daily basis... I have to say something as the World gets worse. Right?
... but then, what can I really do? It's all just text on a screen. This is nothing like being a real hero.
I used to save pretty ladies, in real life. How is tweeting anything like that? It's not.
I know that I cannot just sit and watch as the World burns. But I also know that I fundamentally do not have any power to stop it. The only thing I can really have power over is limiting the effects of what happens; I can manipulate people towards different responses. And I can do this by only putting out things that are incredibly, or totally, self-serving. That way, if any amount of attention is drawn to them, any response will be beneficial to me.
It is a crying shame that it has come to this. I am, by my very nature, a very open, loving, and friendly person. I want to be everybody's friend. However, in recent years, the Internet has turned into dog shit. This place is terrible. It hasn't made sense to engage with the Internet, save for making money, for the past 5 years. The risks one assumes when they 'put themselves out there', are often far too great to even be considered. Even if you make money.
With a heavy heart, I must confess that I can no longer be as open, honest, friendly, or even as loving as I have been. The Internet turned very quickly into just a direct extension of the real world, and you can't go around just hugging people, online, anymore. People have closed themselves off. It's sad.
The only reason that I see to even consider using this place, at great personal risk to myself, is if it provides me with some form of fulfillment. As such, starting now, I will endeavor to only put out things that advance my own goals. Once again: this is sad. It shouldn't be like this. I should be able to freely share myself with the world. However, after getting motherfucked at every turn when I would selflessly help people, I'm going to have to put my foot down, now.
Last year, I helped raised $30,000 for somebody, only to have them try to get me 'cancelled' over something I never said. I'm not afraid of such stupid bullshit— nothing ever happens in real life, regarldess— but that sort of betrayal needs to stop, now. Because it hurts my fucking feelings. And that's the thing that matters the most: my feelings.
And I have just the way to stop it: I'm not fucking helping people like that anymore. I'm not putting myself 'out there'. It always gets me stabbed in the back, because humans are shit. (Thank God I don't just have humans to deal wif, anymore.)
Humans are swine, and all I have are pearls.
I think that raising over a million dollares for people, is enough. And if it isn't, pfft.
I'm going to stop. For a little while, at least. And maybe, just forever.
To those who are not self-serving, backstabbing motherfuckers, I hope this information finds you well. c(◕ᴗ◕✿) I make these things, for nice people. I hope that you find these nice things, and you either enjoy them, or get some sort of use out of them.
From now on, I shall only be addressing nice people. (◕ᴗ◕✿)
What I Want My Brand to Be
I'm going for something like Elvira. But I will temporarily settle for something like Vermin Supreme. I'd just rather not be relegated to something like Svengoolie. (No offense: just not what I want.)
To be perfectly honest, it's not about the crossovers. Or the video games, which were apparently made with her in them; or even to appear in a cartoon with Scooby Doo, which apparently just happened.
I would, for at least once in my life, be positively regarded by human beings. That's all this is. If you've been run through the wringer your entire life like I have, you tend to just want to have some sort of 'hope' spot, where you can, you know, not be fighting with everyone, all the time.
In point of fact, that's all this has been, for the past 20 years. I've been trying to get people to like me. And while I got a few to really like me... it still has never fulfilled me. I still feel more alone in this crowd of 'followers' I have, than I do with even one person, in real life.
I know I'll never have what Elvira has. Because... unfortunately, when you're defending vulnerable people on a sometimes-daily basis, you're... gonna meet a lot of assholes. And that's how I've mostly been vilified: I spoke truth to power, to cunts. And boy do those cunts have power.
Well, not actually. But it is funny to say.
Again, what I want, of course, is probably never going to happen. Oh, I'm well-aware of my circumstances: probably, I'm screwed, and I'm going to end up with all of my effort having amounted to nothing. All of Sak and Lago's shit is gone, and it was funny as Hell when it was up. But it's over, now. And, one day, it'll be over, for me, too. This domain name will one day no longer resolve. I'll probably be dead, before then.
And while I don't accept my own imminent, forthcoming doom, I can see it coming. My Father died penniless and forgotten, and that motherfucker created the technology you're fucking reading this on. Just like Tesla: penniless.
Don't get fooled into thinking that hard work pays off in the end, in the Human World, kids. It usually doesn't. And it doesn't matter how many good things you do: there will probably never be any sort of material, or tangible, positive consequences. "No good deed goes unpunished", I believe, the phrase goes.
I sure as fuckin' know all about that.
But this is at least what I wanted to be. I wanted to be loved. Unfortunately, never really got that, from human beings. Probably never will! Oh well.
Playing with my VRChat avatar was at least fun.
It's just a shame that I have literally no reason to make videos wif it, anymore. :<
Ideally, at some point, I at least want people to see my name and go, 'oh, her,' in a way that doesn't seem synonymous with a racial slur. But, hey. Probably not gonna happen.
Things I'm Not Doing Anymore
For the longest, I've been wasting my fucking time. So, something needs to be done. No more 'sunken cost' fallacy: I need to just give up on things that haven't been working for the past 15-20 fucking years.
As such, I am no longer using the following services:
Facebook: Noticed a trend, here, wif different video creators. Nobody likes Facebook. It is, essentially, Boomerville. Nobody lasts very long here; I never learned how to use it; I cannot get Verified on it, I don't think, 'cause I'm trans; and, even though Elvira uses it, she's not Verified on it. HUH???????
Fucking Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, has 1.1 million followers, on Facebook. And she's not Verified. What fucking chance do I have?
There's just no fucking point, hoping against hope, now. I can keep trying to get Verified here— but, I've always been auto-declined. So, I give up on Facebook.
Even if I were to have a million followers on it, and get Verified— well, Hell. I'd never get Verified. And that's what I want, so. Fuck it.
I am giving up on Pinterest. A few very nice ladies told me how to get Verified there, and, the fact of the matter is, I just have no desire to follow their steps. I've done enough work, and if that's not enough, Pinterest can go fuck itself.
Pinterest is particularly egregious in that, I cannot see why I'd ever want to use it. It has a cool checkmark— it's
I am no longer going to post much of anything on Instagram, unless it's stupid shit that makes me laugh, or makes me feel better. Because Instagram is just kind of useless: you just post pictures on it. Why?
You could say the same thing about Twitter. And you'd also be right!
Instagram is kind of funny: you can submit for Verification, but they never tell you exactly when you did it. They give you fuzzy dates: "1w; 2w; 3w". I never write these down, and they don't tend to give me any sort of e-mail notification as to when I applied, so it's bit of a pain in the ass to keep track of these things. I'm also not writing down when I applied, because fuck that. Too much trouble: and I don't want a handwritten, visual record of being
Also, Instagram is for posting pictures of pretty ladies, of cute aminals, or, Chiitan. And, really— isn't Chiitan kind of both?
Instagram is kind of pointless. You just post pictures, get comments on them— maybe some likes— but, it's like a visual form of Reddit. And I fucking hate Reddit.
That being said, I give up on Instagram. And Reddit, too.
I am no longer using Soundcloud. They take themselves a bit too seriously for something that's just a worse version of YouTube. Plus, they Verified a guy who stole somebody else's account, but they're not gonna Verify me? Fuck off.
Soundcloud is pretty funny: initially, if you got in on the ground floor, they'd Verify anybody. I found out a month too late, and. Well.
I am a trained piano player (often referred to as a Penisist). But, I don't really have any sort of desire to use Soundcloud. Plus, why would I use Soundcloud, when I can just get a Verified Artist's channel on YouTube, and Spotify? There's no point.
I hope Soundcloud fails!
I am currently not using Twitch because it's just not worth it. I share my favorite things, and I get heckled for it? Fuck that noise. Two cunts nearly ruined my two favorite games, World of Warcraft and Silhouette Mirage. I'll never make anything specific out of the second one: that one is too precious to let these fuckers on here, ruin.
If I were making significant money, I might put up with humans for more than a few seconds. As it is, though, I'm not going to just quest uselessly in this here fashion. In the future, this might change. We'll see.
Twitch is pretty funny simply because there's absolutely no room for growth— unless, of course, you got your tits out. It's kind of like Instagram: I know of a lady on there, she's got 1.2 million followers. All she does is post pictures of her breasts, in not-even-revealing pictures.
Since I'm not willing to do this— and, to be perfectly frank, I'm not willing to be treated like Vinny was, and/or start doing art streams, because my art is for me— Twitch is essentially worthless for me.
Even if I had the desire to progress, I never would be able to advance very far. Certainly, I could never get
I'm not going to waste my time making YouTube videos anymore, unless the making of the YouTube video personally fulfills me. It's just not worth it.
It will soon become worth it. But even then, I have to see if I want to share my real life with the Internet. Chances are good that I won't, but I may show some special things.
Don't bet on it.
Perhaps the saddest part of all of this is that I currently have 3+ series on YouTube that I would like to finish. But, I see no tangible benefit, to finishing them.
In Capitalism, a reward is usually promised, if you work for free. What this reward is, no one knows, because no one has ever received it.
It would probably take five years straight to continue working on playing every Mario rom hack ever; playing every NES game ever; and, but of course, completing my Marathon 1 video series. I also had planned to continue past Marathon 1. However, I'm getting old.
I would have no problem continuing these video series, if and when I would get some more engagement/views.
As it stands, however, this is simply not worth my while.
I'm not going to spend any sort of time doing 'empire-building' on Twitter. It's fucking useless. I'm done.
Twitter has been a point of contention for me, for a long while, for several points that I'm just never going to get into.
After being denied Verification upwards of 14+ times, I'm fucking sick of trying, here. I was denied when I had every news organization on the planet writing about me; and I've been more-recently denied, even when I perfectly fulfilled the stated requirements in this latest Verification Request Form 'refresh'.
You want effort?
I'm not working for free, any longer. Sell your own goddamned ads.
This Was Pointless
I realized that this was all pointless the moment I published my first book. A short story I wrote was published in a newspaper, of all places, when I was about 4 or 5. So it's not my first rodeo, oddly enough.
That having been said, publishing that book is the most-satisfying thing I've done in the past 20 years. I primarily use(d) the Internet as a playground; but, as people keep coming and shitting in my playground, I'm not cleaning it up. I'm taking my ball and going home.
After I published the book, I became closer to several people, in real life, almost instantaneously. This was a tangible reward that I loved. It made publishing the book, all the work I put into it, absolutely worth it. I have been rewarded handsomely for this endeavor.
And human beings? They just don't have the capacity to fulfill me in the way that what I've just done, actually has. Even if they could, they'd simply refuse. Because humans are cunts like that.
That having been said, the next book will produce far greater rewards. And, finally, I think I will have a real chance at getting all this useless bullshit that I've been questing for.
The only question is, will I want it, then?
I tried. I really did try.
Perhaps the most-heartbreaking part of this, is, I started out on the Internet, being treated fairly well. It was only after Arcadium died, that things became truly bad.
Over the course of my life, I've been famous, several times. I never really counted: I think it's 14+ different times. And... these times, they don't really count towards anything. As I've learned, trying to get Verified. Trying to do anything, really.
There was a man named Herostratus. He did something bad, way back when, in an attempt to be remembered, forever. Currently, that's the only way to gain lasting fame. I don't understand it, but that's the way that it is. And, I'm simply not capable, of that.
People who are famous, these days, are mostly shitters. They are mostly cunts. They are mostly people who actively make the world a worse place to live in. And, there's just really no sort of 'advancement' possible, for people who are good like me. This much, I have learned.
It was my utmost hope— up until a little while ago, of course— that, if I tried just a little bit harder, that I could achieve my goals. But, the reality is, it's not what you do: it's who you know.
Some people are handed fame. There are a lot of people whom you know of, and they're just famous because they're famous. I kind of wanted to be like dat. I figured that I could've done some real good. But, then again— what does text on the Internet even do?
I want to really protect pretty ladies, again. Not just on the Interbutts.
Also, recently, I witnessed as several people basically sold their souls, just to get Verified. I don't wanna be like dat. That's evil. That's the end.
In particularly, I don't particularly want to talk about it. But, the basic premise, is this: a bunch of people who claim to be disabled, they went and decided to harass one lady in particular. And, they wouldn't stop. They're still doing it, now. . . and it's only so that they can get Verified. They're merely acting like that JUST TO GET VERIFIED. WHAT
Like anime, this has all been a mistake.
I hope to find something more fun than this, and soon. c(◕ᴗ◕✿)