When I was a child...

... I was unduly-influenced by the online empire-building efforts of a group of friends. They all tried to make something that might be called an Internet 'suite': a sort of network, all apparently written and maintained by the same group of friends.

The concept fascinated me. I could make a nice place for myself, online; no real land required.

It, of course, failed. The amount of care that went into it? The daily maintenance? All for nothing. Website after website on the network is now gone. And, to be perfectly honest with you, I'm not sure it's even a pity.

There's a saying: 'don't meet your heroes.' Well, after about two decades of admiring these people, I didn't meet them. But they found me.

There is very rarely such a unique and profound pain as seeing people you have admired, and cheered for, for a long, long time, make fun of you.

It sucks. I really picked the wrong people to idolize.

But now, instead of trying to emulate what they did, I now have the mental resources enough to try to figure out what I want to do.

Why They Failed

On a long enough timeframe, everybody fails. To put it another way: a king reigns, and then, he dies. There's nothing I can really do online that's going to outlive me, by very much. This much, I've already seen.

I'll give you an example. As a child, I admired a writer. They worked quite hard to produce a body of work that is regarded as the best in their field. But, it was all online. No physical copies. For 20 years, their work stood as the greatest ever made, in their genre.

It's gone now. They died; the webhosting bill went unpaid. And, after a year or so, their domain expired. And all their work is gone, now. Not even the Internet Archive has it.

In part, this happened because they were quite protective of their work. No one dared rehost it; and, no one backed it up. It was posted in one place, adn only one place. Once that was gone, it was gone.

If you stay here long enough, online, you will find that nothing here actually lasts forever. There are things that I've seen once, that are now gone forever. Some are more than 20 years old. Gone. Without a single trace.

Seeing their life's work be lost in an afternoon taught me one thing: you better fucking believe my life's work is going to be posted in multiple places. Right now, at its start, I have my first book on Google Books; on the Internet Archive; on Amazon; and in the Library of fucking Congress' copyright office. Physical copies are in the hands of several of my friends. It's not going anywhere.

Another thing I learned, from watching another writer on the Internet whom I admired, is that you should never write for an audience. You should ALWAYS write for yourself.

The person I'm thinking of, they wrote for the 4chan audience; and, recognizing their own prowess, too late,, they soon realized that they were throwing pearls before swine. By that time, they had produced an incredible body of work, that they are now afraid to claim professionally. I will not be the same.

Finally, I saw a YouTuber, a person who inspired me to create videos, who, one day, decided to quit. The reaction of their 'fans' was abominable. Years after they quit, they're still being harassed, to this day. I will not give my lifeforce to people who would do the same thing.

Learning by contrast

Part of dealing with what I want to do, is learning what I can do. And, while I would like to create something that will last forever, that's simply not possible. Within this system.

There is a simple fact, as terrifying and noxious as it may be: one day, this domain name will not resolve. Whether it's because I'm tired of this, or that I am dead, I cannot say. Perhaps one day even the Internet will no longer exist. There's no telling.

So what can I do? What I will create, will not last forever, here. That online writer I admired, very much? 20 years of work, all gone. Phhht! Just like that.

I don't want to be the same.

But I'm not sure I can ever hope to avoid it.

Some things last for only a short time. And then, they're gone forever. But, even then, the things that remain, and stay online? Sometimes, I manage to outgrow them. And that, I think, is the unkindest 'cut' of all.

It makes me so sad.

These things that were created, and I cherished so dearly. These things that are gone, and that I can never get back. Countless works of art, gone forever.

Was it worth it? To even create them??

I think it was worth it. I think that, without Zug.com, Bob and George, Sak and Lago, Mysidia, Arcadium, Sailor Moon, Zartan, BadassBarry, and everything that's happened to me, everyone I've met, I'd be completely different. Hell, I know that.

But it hurts. It hurts to not be able to hold onto the things, and the people, that I love. Time keeps marching forward, and everything I hold dear, it just keeps slipping through my fingers.

It makes me wonder if even trying is worthwhile.

I once wanted to build an empire. But, now? What's the point? I dreamed of doing it when I was 9. I'm 35, now. I was forced by others to put it off, too long. Now, it's too late.

Part of me feels like I'm just waking up, after a dog's age, dreaming. I wished for Arcadium to come back; but, it never did. My dad died. I think that woke me up to how bad the World actually is. To how bad MY World actually is. To how long I had been waiting for things to get better; and for people to start caring about me. But they never did.

I was a child who never felt safe. Whose childhood was interrupted. I was a person who was forced to put off the things that they wanted to do, so others could have fun. I was the person who was told that they would eventually be rewarded, who would eventually have their own needs taken care of. But they never were.

And now, I'm 35, and I've given all I can give. And there's so little time left for me to do anything. And I am in so much fucking pain.

And I just want something nice to happen to me.

I haven't been happy in 21 years.

I would want my brand to be like Elvira's.

Ignoring, of course, that I could never just keep it quiet that I have a wife. Not for 19 fucking years. I'm gay and trans. I love my wife, and you're gonna hear about it.

I don't feel that this is even a possibility anymore, though. I have no lust for fame. I just want to go Home, now. But I still think about this, if not just occasionally. I like unique people, like this. Like Vermin Supreme. He's a good guy.

Also, it is not about the crossovers. Sure, she appeared in a cartoonie with Scooby Doo; but I don't think I'd take that, even if I could get that. You never know, though.

I think that it's too late for me. Before writing this, I think that I would have, at least once in my life, been positively regarded by human beings. Because that's all I wanted. I've gotten run through the wringer, my entire life. I just wanted something like Arcadium, again. Everybody fucking loved me on Arcadium.

It's not over. I'm still alive. But, I don't think that I can do this anymore. Or— at the very least— I cannot continue like this, until something good happens.

I've tried for about 20 years to make a name for myself. I'm not trying anymore. What comes will come, and what doesn't, I don't care anymore.

Fame sometimes comes overnight. And then, none of this would've really mattered, anyways.

For the longest, I've been wasting my fucking time. So, something needs to be done. No more 'sunken cost' fallacy: I need to just give up on things that haven't been working for the past 15-20 fucking years.

As such, I am no longer using the following services:

Facebook: Noticed a trend, here, wif different video creators. Nobody likes Facebook. It is, essentially, Boomerville. Nobody lasts very long here; I never learned how to use it; I cannot get Verified on it, I don't think, 'cause I'm trans; and, even though Elvira uses it, she's not Verified on it. HUH???????

Fucking Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, has 1.1 million followers, on Facebook. And she's not Verified. What fucking chance do I have?

There's just no fucking point, hoping against hope, now. I can keep trying to get Verified here— but, I've always been auto-declined. So, I give up on Facebook.

Even if I were to have a million followers on it, and get Verified— well, Hell. I'd never get Verified. And that's what I want, so. Fuck it.

I am giving up on Pinterest. A few very nice ladies told me how to get Verified there, and, the fact of the matter is, I just have no desire to follow their steps. I've done enough work, and if that's not enough, Pinterest can go fuck itself.

Pinterest is particularly egregious in that, I cannot see why I'd ever want to use it. It has a cool checkmark— it's red— but. Even if I had a million followers on there, AND I was Verified, I'd never use it. So, I give up on Pinterest.

I am no longer going to post much of anything on Instagram, unless it's stupid shit that makes me laugh, or makes me feel better. Because Instagram is just kind of useless: you just post pictures on it. Why?

You could say the same thing about Twitter. And you'd also be right!

Instagram is kind of funny: you can submit for Verification, but they never tell you exactly when you did it. They give you fuzzy dates: "1w; 2w; 3w". I never write these down, and they don't tend to give me any sort of e-mail notification as to when I applied, so it's bit of a pain in the ass to keep track of these things. I'm also not writing down when I applied, because fuck that. Too much trouble: and I don't want a handwritten, visual record of being rejected.

Also, Instagram is for posting pictures of pretty ladies, of cute aminals, or, Chiitan. And, really— isn't Chiitan kind of both?

Instagram is kind of pointless. You just post pictures, get comments on them— maybe some likes— but, it's like a visual form of Reddit. And I fucking hate Reddit.

That being said, I give up on Instagram. And Reddit, too.

Fuck Reddit.

I am no longer using Soundcloud. They take themselves a bit too seriously for something that's just a worse version of YouTube. Plus, they Verified a guy who stole somebody else's account, but they're not gonna Verify me? Fuck off.

Soundcloud is pretty funny: initially, if you got in on the ground floor, they'd Verify anybody. I found out a month too late, and. Well.

I am a trained piano player (often referred to as a Penisist). But, I don't really have any sort of desire to use Soundcloud. Plus, why would I use Soundcloud, when I can just get a Verified Artist's channel on YouTube, and Spotify? There's no point.

I hope Soundcloud fails!

I am currently not using Twitch because it's just not worth it. I share my favorite things, and I get heckled for it? Fuck that noise. Two cunts nearly ruined my two favorite games, World of Warcraft and Silhouette Mirage. I'll never make anything specific out of the second one: that one is too precious to let these fuckers on here, ruin.

If I were making significant money, I might put up with humans for more than a few seconds. As it is, though, I'm not going to just quest uselessly in this here fashion. In the future, this might change. We'll see.

Twitch is absolutely worthless for me.

Even if I had the desire to progress, I never would be able to advance very far. Certainly, I could never get Verified.

I'm not going to waste my time making YouTube videos anymore, unless the making of the YouTube video personally fulfills me. It's just not worth it.

It will soon become worth it. But even then, I have to see if I want to share my real life with the Internet. Chances are good that I won't, but I may show some special things.

Don't bet on it.

Perhaps the saddest part of all of this is that I currently have 3+ series on YouTube that I would like to finish. But, I see no tangible benefit, to finishing them.

In Capitalism, a reward is usually promised, if you work for free. What this reward is, no one knows, because no one has ever received it.

It would probably take five years straight to continue working on playing every Mario rom hack ever; playing every NES game ever; and, but of course, completing my Marathon 1 video series. I also had planned to continue past Marathon 1. However, No.

I would have no problem continuing these video series, if and when I would get some more engagement/views.

As it stands, however, it's just simply not worth my while.

I'm not going to spend any sort of time doing 'empire-building' on Twitter. It's fucking useless. I'm done.

Twitter has been a point of contention for me, for a long while. There's a lot to say about it, but that's for another time.

After being denied Verification 17 times, I'm fucking sick of trying, here. I was denied when I had every news organization in the planet writing about me; and I've been more-recently denied, even when I perfectly fulfilled the stated requirements in this latest Verification Request Form 'refresh'.

You want effort? Fucking Verify me.

I'm not working for free, any longer. Sell your own goddamned ads.

I realized that this was all pointless the moment I published my first book. A short story I wrote was published in a newspaper, of all places, when I was about 4 or 5. So it's not my first rodeo, oddly enough.

That having been said, publishing that book is the most-satisfying thing I've done in the past 20 years. I primarily use(d) the Internet as a playground; but, as people keep coming and shitting in my playground, I'm not cleaning it up. I'm taking my ball and going home.

After I published the book, I became closer to several people, in real life, almost instantaneously. This is a tangible reward that I love. It made publishing the book, all the work I put into it, absolutely worth it. I have been rewarded handsomely for this endeavor. And it actually wasn't all that effort— especially compared to what I've received 'for' it!

And human beings? They just don't have the capacity to fulfill me in the way that what I've just done, actually has. Even if they could, they'd simply refuse. Because humans are cunts like that.

That having been said, the next book will produce far greater rewards. And, finally, I think I will have a real chance at getting all this useless bullshit that I've been questing for.

The only question is, will I want it, then?

Nope!

Bye-bye! c(´•ω•｀)

I tried. I really did try.

Perhaps the most-heartbreaking part of this, is, I started out on the Internet, being treated fairly well. It was only after Arcadium died, that things became truly bad.

Over the course of my life, I've been famous, several times. I never really counted: I think it's 14+ different times. And... these times, they don't really count towards anything. As I've learned, trying to get Verified. Trying to do anything, really.

There was a man named Herostratus. He did something bad, way back when, in an attempt to be remembered, forever. Currently, that's the only way to gain lasting fame. I don't understand it, but that's the way that it is. And, I'm simply not capable, of that.

People who are famous, these days, are mostly shitters. They are mostly cunts. They are mostly people who actively make the world a worse place to live in. And, there's just really no sort of 'advancement' possible, for people who are good like me. This much, I have learned.

It was my utmost hope— up until a little while ago, of course— that, if I tried just a little bit harder, that I could achieve my goals. But, the reality is, it's not what you do: it's who you know.

Some people are handed fame. There are a lot of people whom you know of, and they're just famous because they're famous. I kind of wanted to be like dat. I figured that I could've done some real good. But, then again— what does text on the Internet even do?

I want to really protect pretty ladies, again. Not just on the Interbutts.

Also, recently, I witnessed as several people basically sold their souls, just to get Verified. I don't wanna be like dat. That's evil. That's the end.

In particularly, I don't particularly want to talk about it. But, the basic premise, is this: a bunch of people who claim to be disabled, they went and decided to harass one lady in particular. And, they wouldn't stop. They're still doing it, now. . . and it's only so that they can get Verified. They're merely acting like that JUST TO GET VERIFIED. WHAT

Like anime, this has all been a mistake.

I hope to find something more fun than this, and soon. c(◕ᴗ◕✿)