Haydee

It's Haydee's fat ass.
This page dedicated to big titty robot lady whom have huge ass.
Look, you know why you're here; I know why you're here: you wanna jerk off to the robot lady.

That's fine. Click here to go see the extensive list of outfits you can use in the game, as well as a link to the booru.

As for me, the only reason this page exists is because I want to yell the fact that I hate this goddamn game. And I hate it because it was marketed as being something a lot better than what it actually is. This game is an eternal disappointment to me, because it's just a flimsy façade of a porn game, but without any of the actual porn, and none of the actual gameplay.

This game was advertised as being a puzzle game. That's like saying you read Playboy for the articles.

It is just, quite honestly, super fucking infuriating, and frustrating, to see a potentially great erogame... just, be this, instead. It could have been so much more.

There could have been fucking.

There's not any fucking!

There's not even a whole lot to do in this 'game'. You can make maps, but, just like with Marathon, you're limited to the game's original concept philosophy when it comes to level design. That is to say, your hands are tied behind your back with changing how the game actually plays. You cannot really do much that's interesting, save for swapping models around and jerking off to their eerie, ill-informed jiggling, as you run them around in different situations. The breasts don't even jiggle realistically, and that's basically the entire point of the fucking game. They're like one solid, connected water balloon, filled with two other water balloons. The mammary physics are just bizarre, awkward, and awful to behold.

As an eroge, it's not much of anything. It's as much of a puzzle game as Monmusu Quest is anything more than a Hypercard slideshow. And, to solidify my point of contention against this game, it isn't even good pornography, right out of the box. It's not even like Skyrim, where it's a full-featured, full-fledged game that you can install mods into, in order to make it pornography. This is an eroge that doesn't even eroge.

Kasumi from Dead or Alive, presumably, modded into Haydee, as the main controllable character.

The Rage Stage of Rampancy

Let it be known that my anger is predicated entirely in utter disappointment. I look at Haydee and I can only hope to see what it could have been, as what it is, is entirely just... not any fun for me.

This is an entire game built around breast jiggle, and it doesn't even do that right. This is an entire game about lusting after the protagonist robot lady, and there is non-3D art that does her more justice. How, exactly, did you fuck this up this entirely?

A lot of the times, when I write shit like this, I think about what the developers would think, were they to read it. Would I hurt their feelings? I don't want to. But I do want to ask: why didn't you make it a full porn game?! This is like making a cake and then farting on it.

Ugh. Anyways, let's talk about the game itself. On its face, Haydee is a 3D third-person-shooter, supposedly mixed with survival horror. It has Resident Evil 1-style tank controls, and jumping puzzles. Jumping puzzles, with tank controls.

Just like when Resident Evil decided to give its female main character some jiggle physics, I find it difficult to feel any genuine fear while playing this game. I'm piloting around a giant titty robot, and death has no consequences other than loss of control. Haydee 'dies', and all that happens is she assumes a strange, Full-Nelson-style pose. Ass-forward, legs up. That was surely intentional. But it never goes any further than just something vaguely sexual: the game is nothing but lackluster fan service, and it just doesn't go far enough to justify its premise.

It insists upon itself.

It actually doesn't, I don't think, but I think that's funny to say.

More than anything, the disappointment I felt, compared to the exhilaration I experienced, just knowing, waiting for this game to come out, they're like night and day. I have never been more disappointed in a video game before in my entire life. And, no matter how much time passes, my disappointment with this game just never dissipates. There is no disappointment like your low-as-fuck expectations being shattered by an abjectly lackluster presentation. I expected less than nothing, and I am still disappointed.

A modded version of Haydee, looking like a character related to Kasumi from Dead or Alive.
Again, I understand and recognize that I'm speaking about someone else's creation. And I honestly don't want to hurt anyone's feelings by talking about it, but I do want to express this crippling, massive feeling of dissappointment.

I gave this game the biggest chance. But all I really remember about it is, as I played more and more of it, making sure to not judge it too quickly, and see where it would take me, the further I got into the game, the greater that feeling of disappointment. It never got better; it only became worse.

If you come into this game thinking that you might see some sort of in-depth, complex puzzle gameplay, you will be as disappointed as I was, if not even more. Without the busty protagonist, this game isn't even shovelware. It's a proof-of-concept that barely registers as a game. It's a tech demo; maybe even an alpha. It certainly crashes like it's one.

To put it simply: this game is simply softcore pornography, and it barely delivers on that. There is nothing for anyone who is not here to jerk off. What you see is what you get: Haydee, its titular protagonist, is a cyborg lady with a big fat ass and huge flopping tits that move like a liquid. Haydee wears nylons, and high heels, because. Because.

This game is just about as barebones and disappointing as Hatred was, for me. High-concept games about low-brow subjects, they just don't seem to work. This game is just so one-note that I can't get into it.

A modded version of Haydee, with a cooler-looking protagonist.  Very Ghost-in-the-Shell style.
There is nothing but heaps of wasted potential here. It doesn't function as an eroge, or a puzzle platformer, or a survival horror, or even as a third person shooter. This game does not function in any spectacular way; it does not meet, nor exceed expectations. It just is.

At some point during development, judging by the devs' communication with their burgeoning community, I feel like there was some sort of creative vision for this game that ultimately got washed away by the knowledge that they didn't really have to try to make anything but the titties work. Any desire to make a good 3D puzzle platformer got subsumed by a drive to make money through virtual titties. As a result, a once-promising game now isn't anything spectacular: it just is what it is. There exist no possible synergies here: this game is exactly the sum of its parts, and nothing more. And, MAN, does that fucking make me sad.

As a game, this could've been an independent version of the Third Person Shooters that I love. It could have been extensible in a way that made the engine appropriate for a myriad of other potential applications. It could have, in a sense, actually been a good framework for a game, and that would've also made it a good game. But, as it is, its only function is that you drop models into it, and it lets you pilot them around, and ogle their goods. And I hate that. I hate how limited it is.

A loli wearing a gas mask, modded into Haydee.
There has been, and will probably always be a lot of 'debate' about the role of sexualized protagonists. I have no real strong opinion either way, but I do recognize that this is a game that's held up entirely by its main character's bosom. Because there just isn't any real game here when you replace the protagonist with a non-sexualized character. Without Haydee's butt and bust, there is nothing else in this game to command your attention. And without the mods, there's nothing to really jerk off to.

Haydee is like a sex doll, but you have to make your own sex doll parts. Like sewing a hole into a blow-up doll.

When tits and ass are the only thing you got going for you in your video game, one has to wonder if their time would be better spent just looking at SFM porn.

A woman wearing a black tutu and mini-dress, wearing bright, ruby-red lipstick.
I may be asexual, but I'm not sex-negative. I am very much sex-positive, and I enjoy a lot of eroge. Comparing Haydee to eroge just doesn't fare well for Haydee: even as limited as Monmusu Quest is, at least there's actual sex. Even with gameplay more bare and limited than Haydee, Forest of Blue Skin is somehow more of a game than Haydee is. When it comes to Haydee, there's just... nothing there.

Every aspect of the game just feels middling, like it was an afterthought, an excuse plot, in order to show off Haydee's big fat tits. Because, none of the gameplay mechanics are actually enjoyable. Haydee is a survival horror where there's no real opportunity for you to feel scared. It's a moddable third-person shooter where you not only shoot very little, but what you can mod into the game is extremely limited. It's a survival horror where you cannot really even run away from enemies. It's a puzzle game where you have no real impetus to drive you, to solve puzzles. It feels very much like a failure: whatever the devs put into the game to drive you forward, it's hard to care about what comes at the end.

Haydee tries to be compelling, by having a mysterious story. But, just like with Marathon, and any *Souls game, you cannot have a mysterious story when you technically barely have a story at all. Haydee starts with the idea that you have to get to the end, but whether or not you want to see that end at all, you have no information to go on to decide such a thing. In Resident Evil and Silent Hill, you want to get to the end so that you can either escape a calamity, or solve a mystery, and so is the same in Haydee... but, with Haydee, there are not even any real answers to be found. And no one who gets to the end is really going to be guided by a desire to see the narrative complete.

Objectively, as a game, everything presented here is marked by its extreme functional limitations. The game's environments are simplistic, yet unique and stylized; every aspect of the game seems to be built around emphasizing style over substance. Even Haydee's enemy design suffers from this: the enemies are both unique, and extremely limited. There exist two enemy types: one slow, one fast. The idea is that you should try to avoid them both, but doing so is virtually impossible in the game's many corridors. Downing any enemy is more a failure on your part to avoid them, than it is the elimination of a threat, as it's very easy to softlock yourself by running out of ammo.

Another disappointment for me is the severe lack of schüt. I like to schüt in video games. When I don't get to schüt, I am sad. I can see that this may be a point of the game: being a survival horror, ostensibly at least, there should be rather limited schüt. But when the game itself is based upon gratuitous displays, not being able to schüt to my heart's content is, once again, disappointing.

Then again, the enemies don't do anything interesting once you've downed them. At least Silent Hill and Resident Evil had entertaining enemy death animations. Who doesn't love headsplosions?

Interesting, a bit of jiggle physics is visible in the above linked clip. And, for whatever reason, it is ten thousand times more compelling in Resident Evil than it is here. Why?

Because at least Resident Evil is a game. There's something to it.

There's fucking nothing to this game.

Haydee's butt.
It is a rare and terrible failure of game design when I can see the main character naked, and yet all I long for is a game that's actually fun to play.

I like the idea of Haydee. I actually love it. It's just the execution that I don't agree with. The execution, I feel, is severely lacking. There could be so much more here, but there just... isn't.

Haydee definitely deserves to exist. Its presence alone has improved 3D pronography immeasurably, simply by inspiring creators like Red Moa. I just kind of wish that I wouldn't have been so excited for this game, because it is utterly disappointing.

If you're looking for some sort of hidden depth to this game, none exists. Just like with Monmusu Quest, if you're looking for gameplay, it's not there.

Somebody even remade Resident Evil 1 in this thing and it's still not fun for me to play.

Haydee in Resident Evil 1.  Haydee's ass has a doily on it.

The Trouble Begins

So much potential, squandered.

There is something horrifically bizarre about such a simple game essentially failing to actually deliver what it promised: titty physics. The game, bizarrely, also doesn't feature butt jiggle physics, which you'd think would've been a given. I remember some dev saying it was a possibility in the sequel. I'm not holding my breath.

By now, you've been wondering how the breast jiggle looks. Here you go.

Haydee's breasts move, at the same time, like they're two gigantic marbles in a sock. I hate it.

So this is the premise of the game. This is all the substance that the game has. Sure, you climb and show your ass, and do jumping puzzles, and get your shit wrecked by robots, but this is it. God damn, it could've been so much more. There's not even any butt jiggle...

Bad bouncin' titties, the vidya gaem. Here we are.

Valve is fun, because they ostensibly give a shit about porn on their store, but, then again, they don't. The game's workshop is held behind an age gate, because the mods for this game are nearly entirely porn, and yet, Valve still occasionally bans people for posting nude mods. Even though I'm pretty sure that the developers posted the first nude mod, that of what Haydee looks like underneath all of that armor. Strange.

How do you get banned for a nude mod, when the fucking basis of all nude mods is on the game's ammo boxes? I dunno. I'll post the ammo box images below, in case this link fails:

Ammo box from Haydee, where her original naked model is shown. Ammo box from Haydee, where her original naked model is shown. Ammo box from Haydee, where her original naked model is shown.
These aren't the only canon nude pictures of Haydee in the game, but these are the most egregious examples.

I've got no clue what Valve wants, or even allows. I think a fully-naked model, out in the open, would draw a lot more attention than just including her nude pictures on the ammo boxes, so this is how this got through. Still... it boggles my mind how they went whole-hog into the ammo boxes, and just squeaked out a basic nude model at release. Weird.

Being on Valve's storefront, I guess Haydee had to straddle the line between porn and actual game. It's not quite Dead or Alive, but it's one of the only games I can think of that's similar. It's just another game where people play with virtual dolls of women; only, instead of simulating a Girlfriend Experience with a model, with Haydee, it's modding your robot waifu to have a giant, angry pen0r.

It's a strange situation to have everyone involved pretend that this isn't a porn game. Valve hosts 500+ nude mods for the game, and yet, it was seemingly impossible to just come out and say: yeah, we know you want to play a nude lady in this game. Because Valve still bans for nude mods. Bizarre.

Anyway: modding. Interestingly enough, modding the game is relatively straightforward if you have any experience at all dealing with 3D models. If you have the tools and understanding necessary to work with models, you can produce your own Haydee 'outfit' fairly quickly. But if something goes wrong, and the mod you make doesn't work, you will never, ever fucking know why, because the game will never fucking tell you.

Bowsette, in Haydee.
The weird part about Haydee is, the developers knew that the mods were basically the only fun part of the game. And yet, how you even troubleshoot these things is an open secret. Sometimes, the mods clash; but you're never going to figure out how or why, because the game is a black box as far as logging errors goes.

At the very least, there are a shitload of very diverse mods available for it. What's your pleasure, sir? Want to get 'attacked' by voluptuous nude women with 4-foot-long dongs? Here you go, boss! Want to run around as Tatsumaki from One-Punch Man as voluptuous, nude women sans life-endingly huge penises clamor around you? Here, here, and here, my friend!

Modding this game is an exercise in blind frustration. Do you like waiting for 30 seconds to a minute for the game to load, only for the launcher to crash because a mod somehow didn't play nice with all the others you have installed? Do you like for the game to produce multiple copies of the same hefty mods, taking up valuable space for no apparent reason? Do you enjoy re-validating the game after every crash? Do you enjoy spending more time fucking around with the game than fucking around with yourself, to the game? Then this game's for you!

A shot of Black Latex Haydee's ass. I should've known something was fucky when spare women were hanging on the wall.
Some friendly advice: install one mod at a time, and only try to combine it with maybe two other mods at once. Because, the minute you install a bunch of mods, it doesn't matter if you uninstall them, the fucking game remains broken until you redownload part of it or validate it twice or more, or, worse, until you uninstall a bunch of mods that don't conflict at all when you re-enable them. I don't understand it; I don't want to understand it. All I know is this is way too much effort just to jerk off.

Here we encounter our worst problem: sometimes, just sometimes, mods don't work. And the reason some mods don't work is either that they just mysteriously do not seem to want to work— meaning that they sometimes will work, once you reinstall them all— or, Valve has banned one of the mods that other mods are dependent on, and you can never, ever, hope to manually install these dependencies.

So, to recap: mods where nearly all the characters have tits bigger than your head. Valve is pretending the game isn't porn, while banning mods for being pornographic, while holding the game behind an age gate. Makes sense to me, boss!

Tatsumaki holding a crossbow running from multiple naked Haydee bots.
Despite how it may sound, I'm not against porn games being on Steam. Hell, I don't think I'd mind too much if porn was actually officially 'allowed' on there: because it doesn't matter. 95% of all Steam chat is fucking ERP. Why should I care?

I just think it's fuckin' bizarre that Valve is trying to pretend that they're not selling a porn game, all while randomly banning all the porn mods for said porn game. Because they definitely know what this game is: they just don't seem to want to admit to what they're doing.

I mean, look: it's pretty obvious. Just look at this standard, ordinary, unmodded gameplay, again.

Hmm! Yes, of course: there is nothing at all salacious about this title. No sir, no sir! Surely this is a serious title where the gameplay is the main focus!

Haydee, standing.Yeah, this is fine.
I guess I should just come out and say it. Stop beating around the bush.

Haydee is the porn game equivalent of IKEA furniture. The game contains virtually no pornography, standard: the ammo boxes are about as close as you can get. No, the game is there for you to put your own porn on top of it.

And that just irritates me, because it's the 'batteries not included' form of eroge. I don't think I've ever seen any other eroge that was this incomplete in its stated function. Even Big Rigs was fucking hilarious, but Haydee doesn't even provide anything in the way of fun.

I mean, think of other porn games. In Monmusu Quest, you don't have to import your own scenarios just to jerk off. In Forest of Blue Skin, you don't have to find gif animations that you can use for when you get 'caught'. Haydee is neither a good game nor a good porn game, but it provides all the things you need to make one. It's a framework for jerking off.

And even then, it's not even a very good one, because installing a bunch of mods is a frustrating experience where you receive absolutely no feedback as to what you're doing wrong when the game crashes. Haydee is a game where not even the allure of porn is enough to keep me playing. That's how bad troubleshooting the modding gets in this game.

Not that it stops anyone. Just check out the modding scene: Click here and go look at the Deleted Outfit videos. There are over 3 gigabytes of 'outfits', model replacements, for the game's main character, and each outfit weighs about 50mb or less.

That's a lot of porn. And, to be honest, it's pretty much the game's main reason for existing.

Hilariously, the Haydee wiki claims that an original gameplay mechanic would have been for Haydee to remove all of her clothes, because the story demanded it. I seem to remember hearing this officially announced, but I can't find the source, so take that for what it's worth. In any case, what this means is, the only gameplay mechanic that would've actually satisfied the game's purpose originally was removed. How droll.

Haydee's ass, with fishnet stockings.
I'm just gonna be honest: I can't jack my big ol' dick off to this. I don't get aroused to anything where violence can be done to women, and this is a game with jiggle physics where most rooms have enemies that can straight fuckin' murder you.

In this respect, the game reminds me of a less-offensive version of Senran Kagura. In Senran Kagura, you beat the shit out of women so hard that their clothes explode, and they cry and you're supposed to jerk off to some part of this, I'm not sure how. In Haydee, the main character lady falls into a somewhat sexual position when she gets 'killed'. Thankfully, there's no gore: she just falls over. It's kind of silly, really, but I don't like the whole violence aspect to the game.

When you pair this with mods, you end up playing a game where you're shooting women in the tits or futanari ladies directly in their dicks. No thank you.

Also, again, why no ass physics? That's a massive disappointment.

In any case, to wrap this shit up: while Haydee is good as a character, her game is not up to snuff. The only joy I get out of it is to load a new model into it and laugh at how out of place it looks, and that joy only lasts like five minutes.

The game's pretty sexy, but it ain't of sufficient quality where I could recommend it as either a game or a masturbation aid. It just doesn't cut it.

Haydee, standing.
Enough talk. I know what you're here for: the outfits.


Want to learn how to mod Haydee? Well, for models— and this is if you're using Blender— you should read this. The developers supposedly provide all you need if you use 3DSMax, but I've never seen any of that shit.

The developers saw fit to explain how you mod in new character models.

Toy Chica from FNaF in Haydee.
Troubleshooting

This shitfuck of a game won't open now!! The launcher keeps crashing!!

Uninstall mods one by one and see what the hell is causing it. Keep in mind that some mods will crash the game when uninstalled; some mods will make the game stop crashing when re-installed. Your best bet is enabling mods one by one, starting the game up each time you download a new mod. But even then, if the launcher starts crashing, you're pretty much fucked, because even if you remove the mod, it might still crash.

For the answer to all your problems, navigate to wherever the Hell your Steam library is, go to steamapps > workshop > content > 530890, and take all the mods you think are doing damage and put them in a big folder. It can be in the same folder; Steam isn't going to notice, just don't name them shit like numbers. Then try to restart the game: it'll work! Hooray! Then you can take them out piecemeal, and see which ones work or not.

I'm of the mind that Steam's modding interface, the 'workshop', is probably most at fault for how poor a modding experience Haydee is. There's no real support for showing what dependencies go where, or anything that can tell you what mods will conflict with each other.


Haydee's torso is invisible.

The mod you're using has a dependency (usually another mod) that you don't have installed. It is going to be difficult to impossible to install the mod you need, even if you find out which one it is that you need, because these mod dependencies oftentimes have multiple versions, and previous and future versions of any mod dependency usually don't work. You need to find the exact one, and put it exactly where it needs to be. And then, maybe it still won't work.


What the FUCK is wrong with the Muscle Haydee mod.

Lord I wish I knew.


This game sucks.

I know.
Haydee's 'Haydazzly' outfit.
💗 This article was created December 7th, 2018.
It was written by Margaret Gel.

Minor design and wording updates were done December 30th, 2018.
A major navigation re-design was done, and a picture was added January 13th, 2019.
It was nearly-completely rewritten on May 13th, 2019, 'cause I thought it sounded too mean.
It was then again nearly-completely re-written on May 13th, 2020, because holy shit, I did it on the same day, to the year. What the fuck. I added a bunch more pictures. c(◕ᴗ◕✿)