Are you absolutely certain you wish to be an asshole?


So this is how it ends.

For as long as I've been writing, I've struggled with the juxataposition of how I wish to express myself, and how others want me to write the things that they want. These people don't want to know me: they just want information. That, of course, is not how this works. I am not a tool, and I will not be used like one. While writing for the sake of brevity is worthwhile for me, in some limited cases, this is really about my adventure. This is about me. What I learned. And how I learned it.

I have a genuine desire to teach you the things I know about how people get Verified. So, this is what this is going to be about: everything about it.


When I was in preschool, I loved stickers. They'd give these things out, 3 of a kind: green star stickers; red star stickers; and gold star stickers. None of them really meant anything: the ladies there at the school just wanted to make the children happy. None of the stickers were any better than the others.

One day, this guy that worked there, but that nobody trusted, and who the ladies kept trying to keep away from the kids, he picked up a basket of stickers— the stickers were in this wicker handbasket— and, he started passing out the stickers, around. But to only white kids.

I wasn't white.

At the time, I had already known what racism was. And what it was like. So, I used my mother's advice: that, if I thought somebody was being racist to me, denying me something because of the color of my skin, I should confront them— but, to ask for things, politely. Because, maybe it wasn't racism. Maybe somebody just forgot.

Well, it was racism, in this case. He called me a nigger, to my face. I think his exact words were, "I don't give presents/nice things to niggers."

He, of course, was instantly fired. But the incident left an impression on me. That impression was, I had to pursue everything that I wanted. Because, there were going to be people like him, out there, in the World. And I had to confront them.

That's why trying to get Verified meant so much to me. That was my sticker. But I'm not going to get it. Not ever.

It sucks, too, because, according to Twitter's rules, I was eligible for it. But, I was always denied. No matter what I did, they'd always deny me. It wasn't because I wasn't good enough, or that I didn't meet the requirements: 'cause, I did. It's either that somebody hates me, or Twitter is fucked up. One of the two. Maybe even both.

Herein lies my problem. I know it's shit, but, in my heart of hearts, I still want it. I want it as a final trophy, before I go away. But, I know that it's not for me. And I know that it's not something I should want:

Verification is not the sign of a good person, or even someone worthy of being listened to. It is, in fact, quite the opposite. I've never seen such ignorant, racist, sexist, misogynistic, and transphobic shit, as I've seen from Verified accounts on Twitter. Why I would even want to stand alongside them, I can't tell you. You know what, though? I actually can.

I wanted it because I got shit on a lot, online. For no payoff. I helped people, and got all of the infamy, but none of the perks that I saw horrible people get. They can Verify a Neo-Nazi, a rapist, the worst people in the whole damn world, and they can fuck with me all they want, but they'll never give me the honors that they've bestowed onto actual evil fucks. It sickens me. But I guess I have to give this up.

It kind of reminds me of how World of Warcraft's GMs threatened to permaban me for reporting pedophiles. No good deed goes unpunished, like.

In any case, this entire thing was born out of my desire to be loved, and appreciated. I tried to get that feeling from fame. I wanted it so bad, and I felt it no harm to pursue it. But, it's not for me. I would've thought my feelings would have been able to guide me, on that matter. But I guess I just want it too much.

It's sad, really. And it's sad, because, I still want it. I can't seem to cut that desire, out of myself. The thing is, I'll never get it.

Because I'm not an asshole.

What Verification Means

It means that the service you're Verified on, finds you useful. This is all that means. Twitter, who came up with this concept, says that it's not an endorsement. That's fucking bullshit. They verify people whom they think will drive new eyes to the service, thus generating precious, precious ad revenue. This is why Nazis get Verified, kids. And self-admitted rapists.

I'm going to repeat that now. Because it bears repeating. If a service thinks you're going to make them money, they will Verify you. That's all this is. It's a business arrangement, only you're working for free.

I was Verified on because they were nice, but also because they believed that I (c/w)ould bring people over to the service, from YouTube. They were wrong, just like everybody else who's Verified me, but the people running were nice to me. So, it's more kind of sad that I couldn't really do much for them.

I was Verified on Pornhub because I satisfied their ID requirements. That's all they needed. Why?

Because what Pornhub desires the most is people that they can legally, positively identify. So they hand the badge out as a 'reward.' It doesn't even mean anything; but, just like a sticker to a child, it has that allure.

I'm Verified on Amazon because they Verify based on raw engagement numbers (to the best of my knowledge, gleaned through experimentation). What this means, is, if you have ~300,000 monthly views on all your tweets, their machine is just going to Verify you. It's automatic. Instantaneous, when you're applying.

Amazon, bless their soul, thinks that having that sort of engagement, means that you can move product. I am the world's worst salesman.

I'm Verified on Google because Google is desperate, and thirsts for celebrities to claim their Google Knowledge Panels. Their Verification criterion is so loose that people often get their panels claimed by other people. Google doesn't give a shit: it just wants to make it easy for people to claim them, because the Knowledge Panel project is— and this is just what I think, I have absolutely no evidence that this is the case— it's Google's mini-project to make Wikipedia completely irrelevant. It's already eating away at Wikipedia's numbers, using Wikipedia's own data against them. Funny as Hell. Fuck Wikipedia.

Getting Verified on Google is fun and easy, and I've written a guide to it. You can also Google "Jason Barnard": he's the expert on this. It's fun and easy because Google's desperation has made it possible to generate Knowledge Panels from as little as just the same statement across social media accounts... oh, and, you know. A WikiData dataset on you /coughs

This, however, raises a great point: the more-desperate the service, the easier it is to get Verified on it.

Take Instagram, for example. Probably the hardest place to get Verified on, simply because its Verification Request system was, until quite recently, absolutely a black box. Instagram doesn't fucking like you. Instagram doesn't like anyone. And it doesn't need you, or anyone. So it makes Verification hard.

... compare this to ASKfm, which, surprisingly, still exists, and you'll see how the 'desperation' angle, works. ASKfm will Verify you if you use the service for six months, consistently, without calling anyone a slur. That's how low the bar is.

Google's desperation once spurred them to make it easy to get Verified on YouTube, by getting Verified on Google+. See? It was easy to get Verified on Google+... because they were desperate. And, too, they're desperate for their Knowledge Panel experiment to work: so, all you need to do is flash a selfie with your ID, and they'll accept you. It's kind of sad, really. (And the Interface is bare as fuck, when you get in.)

YouTube's a little bit different, these days. Because, with Google+ gone, nobody's getting Verified through any tricks. In the olden days, it might've been easy to get Verified by being impersonated (a trick that still sometimes works on Twitter); but, now, they don't care. They don't even give it out consistently to people who fulfill the only requirement: have 100,000 subscribers. And why?

Because YouTube is so big, it doesn't need you. In fact, it fucking hates you. (Probably.)

Pinterest is an interesting thing to study. Pinterest verifies people who post images of clothes, and model them, themselves. Anyone who provides Pinterest with original, fashion-related content, is bound to get Verified. Because that's what Pinterest thinks— quite accurately, I might add— allows it to thrive.

Pinterest is probably one of the easiest to get Verified at. I know this because I talked to a few very kind women there, who were incredibly helpful, and basically gave me the most information I've ever received from any such service. If you should ever have about a million views a month on Pinterest, I'd suggest you just send in a request to get Verified. Ask for the Red Checkmark. They'll probably give it to you. The bar's actually way lower, but I don't know what the actual minimum is.

I'm transcribing this article from a handwritten version, and I just want to say that the sentence, written in all-caps, "ASKFM VERIFIES ANYONE WILLING TO USE IT FOR 6 MONTHS STRAIGHT", is some of the funniest shit ever.

Moving on: we all have some outliers, in every business. Here, it's social media services that either will never work out, or have been in decline for some time. I won't be listing things like MySpace, because MySpace is cool.

Let's talk about GIPHY. GIPHY is just a place that hosts GIFs. They have a Verification program, and, they want to verify major content providers, and artists. Basically, gigantic media conglomerations, and artists. They just want to fill their content catalog, though I don't know for what. If you're not some super-famous artist or a media company like the BBC, I wouldn't even try. Even if you were, just what the fuck is the BBC getting out of this? It's weird.

Then we have the many, many failed social media derivatives/clones. The one I want to talk about is, because, I asked them, should I apply? You think this would work? And somebody said, 'yes. Apply!' And I did. And they looked at me, and went, 'nah.'

That shit hurt. But, seeing them fail, that's kind of funny.

in any case, seemed to want to Verify well-known streamers— y'know, gamers. That worked out well for them.

Twitch, god bless them, has the best Verification standards I've ever seen. They tell you, in black and white, exactly what they're looking for. The process is entirely performance-based. I love it, and I respect it. Study their system: they reveal the baseline standards that every other social media platform has. You'll learn a lot, and be able to apply it to any other service that ever comes out.

Instagram, on the other hand, is a motherfucker. It is a son of a bitch. God damn it.

Instagram verifies celebrities. That's the best way I can put it. However, just like with Facebook, special, registered agents, of a sort, can submit Verification Requests for you. And, from what I've seen, you will get Verified. They're called Media Partners. For Twitter, some richie-rich fucks I overheard, they said that you can just submit a request through a third-party. So there's probably something similar for Twitter, as well.

But let's assume you're not a richie-rich fuck, because, otherwise, you wouldn't be reading this, probably. And let's assume that you want to get Verified on Facebook, or Twitter.

In the olden days, Twitter wanted musicians. So they verified anybody who'd ever even looked at a musical instrument— and these accounts stayed verified, even after the bands fucked off and died. On Facebook, it's kind of simlar: if you can play guitar, and you've released a song, you can probably get Verified.

For Facebook, in general, for the checkmark, you need to be a journalist, a musician, a grifter, an actual celebrity, a Neo-Nazi, or the most-boring asshole I've ever seen. If you can do any of those, check your Facebook page: you probably have seven of them, right now.

All this having been said, review what I just said. You will now quite easily notice, the main thread of how to get Verified. If you haven't, I'll spell it out for you:

To get Verified on any service, you must either be extremely valuable to them, and/or, you have to be their bitch.

There's no gettin' around this. It's either/or. If you are who they want with the checkmark, you will get the checkmark. This process is completely willful: it's not like fucking fungus, growing in the woods. It doesn't just happen. Somebody has to flick a switch.

That being said, the most-reliable way you can get Verified, is to just be a journalist.

I wouldn't recommend that. That'd be like running around barefoot in a fucking flooded sewer, making martinis with other people's bathwater. Only use your own.

When it comes to Facebook and Instagram, they're a bit mysterious. But Twitter ain't no black box. Twitter's just fucking stupid. And Twitter wants none other than the worst of all the shit disturbers and piss perturbers, imaginable. You know why? Because it drives new eyes to ads. People who are mad, spend more time on the Internet, than people who are happy. (Thought I'd say glad, right? Right.)

This is why the algorithm constantly pushes up the worst of all content. This is why Twitter is Hell. This is why Twitter doesn't do anything when about a worldwide-trending news story about a mentally ill person raping their mother. Twitter doesn't give a shit. Twitter hates your guts. It wants you to fucking feel pain. In the form of anger.

This is why Twitter Verifies bad people. This is why checkmarks are bad people. Twitter needs the worst fucking people they can get, because the worst fucking people they can get, piss everybody off, and keep people using the webzone. That's the trick. Joker's Trick.

Bad people get Verified on Twitter because bad people make everybody mad. And Twitter runs on mad. Because Twitter is Hell.

How to get Verified, anywhere

Find out what the service wants. Either become it, or position yourself as someone who can carry out the duties of such a position. You will be working for free. It's fairly easy to get Verified this way: all you need to do is sell your soul. And maybe suck one dog dick. But the jury's still out on that!

We don't know the actual number of dog dicks necessary.

To be Verified on Twitter, first, become a journalist. This is the easiest way, as tons of Verified publications (an essential feature, in the newest Verification Request form update) are always hiring. Online journalism pays like shit, if it ever pays. So, do that, and write a few bylines; then, submit. They'll almost-always accept ya. If they don't, try again: it's a sure thing within 1-3 tries, if you're a journalist. This works for Facebook as well, I think; probably, just one try necessary there, though.

To be Verified on Facebook, spend $5 on ads, each month, for 6 months. This apparently 'sweetens' your chances. Remember: any page or profile you Verify, has to have accompanying documentation wherein the name on said documentation matches your page or your profile— EXACTLY. They're sticklers for this. Right pricks and cunts, relaly.

Alternatively, find, or become a Facebook Media Partner. They can apply on your behalf. Here's a guide. That contains all that you'll ever need to know about this stupid bullshit, over there. Okay? Okay. Works on both Facebook and Instagram!

YouTube has already been discussed. There are no 'tricks' that I am aware of. Formerly, you could easily be Verified through Google+, and it just transferred over to your YouTube account. But, that's all over. (Still sad I never figured out how to do it, until it was too late.)

That's it.

Final Thoughts on Verification

En egenerale, you don't want to be Verified. You think you do, but, you don't. The 'community' of Verified accounts is always going to suck, because you're never going to have anything in common, with these twats.

I've been questing after Verification for years and years, and, no matter where I get Verified, it always means nothing. Everybody involved made it seem like it was something really special; like it was something you should really want. It was marketed like beer and cigarettes. It's just as disappointing, because, it's always fucking nothing.

On Twitter, your prize for getting Verified is that you get more visibility— which means, more people yelling at you. As if this wasn't bad enough, you'll also soon have tons and tons of Verified cocksuckers following you. Is that what you want? That's not what I want.

I wanted this, so bad. Or, rather, I thought that this was what I wanted. On second thought, I'd rather just have a GILF hold me, and kiss me on the forehead.

Maybe put some red, green, and gold stickers on my face.