puts you there, where things are hollow


For a very long time, I've been the sort of famous where people, on the daily, try to get me into trouble. But, I'm also the sort of famous where, if they want to hurt my feelings, they want to say that I'm a nobody. It's weird, because they're only 'attacking' me because they think I'm somebody.

I'm not in the mood to try to figure out just how much 'fame' I have. About 7 years ago, I got my name dragged through the mud, and I was on every single Western broadcast news network. I'm still finding articles talking about me. The thing is, though, I haven't managed to be able to do anything with it, and I fear I never will be able to.

Don't trust journalists. They'll only try to fuck you over. I have first-hand experience in this; but, because of my forgiving nature, I kept on giving them the benefit of the doubt. Nope. Nunca. Never do it. Don't speak with them. They're shit, on the inside.

The thing that bothers me the most about fame is not really that I'm treated like I'm simultaneously Satan, but also an ineffectual nobody. I don't mind idiots calling me a 'nobody': they're only trying to hurt my feelings, and it doesn't hurt me. But what does bother me, is the rampant cruelty that I've experienced, at the hands of the public.

It's little things that you never notice. I'm not super-duper high on the fame scale; but I've already had a little over two dozen people claiming that they're stalking me, in real life. Taking pictures of me. So, that's one aspect of it.

But, rather, what I'm talking about, is this: the relationship that's been instituted between me and the public, is one that's abusive. It feels like the sort of situation I'd get into with a narcissist, abusing me. It's always assumed that I am always wrong; and, I am always expected to apologize, for nothing. And the public, they always think that they're right; and that if I don't acquiesce, they will somehow take away my 'power'.

First and foremost, let me tell you: I'm stuck here. I've been stuck at this level of 'fame' for the past 5 or 6 years. It's not going away. I'm staying here. So, that's not the point I'm trying to make. The point I'm making, is this: I don't like the way I'm being treated. And it needs to change.

This is an abusive relationship, and I'm not putting up with it anymore. I'm sick of this shit.


The Internet's fun until you get SWATted.

Back when this all started, I got SWATted. My poor dad, who's no longer with us? At the time, the cops could've killed him. Because, he was black. All of this happened because I got thrust into the spotlight, and made infamous, by journalists. Somebody decided to target me; and, there it was. They could've killed me, my family, or anyone at the house, at the time.

This, I think, is the point where it really got bad. I told people I was SWATted... and, the public's response was, where's the proof? It was the first time that I realized that I was not being treated like a person. I had been victimized, and all the people who were paying attention to me, wanted, was something that they could use. I never gave it to them.

And here is where the crux of my argument, the heart of it, lies. I was never treated like a person. Things were always demanded of me; but I could never even ask the public for things, like proper treatment. The expectation was completely one-way. I got nothing out of it.

And when I say 'nothing,' I do mean absolutely nothing. There was not a single good thing that came from defending innocent people on the Internet. I got villified; I got demonized; I got accused of being a serial killer. And, though I'm working through the emotions that made me feel, I'm never going to stop talking about that one.

Dance, Puppet, Dance!

It's not worth performing if the audience is just there to heckle and jeer.

A lot of people who would abuse me, they would say things to me, like, 'you just have to get a thicker skin'. Put in the same place, these people would, and have, crumbled. The treatment that the public puts 'famous' people through is fucking heinous, plain and simple. It's barbarous. Atrocious. You're not treated like a person: you're treated like you would be if you were the subject of a sideshow.

It is, at its heart, an abusive relationship. But, at the same time, it's one that human beings try to pretend is 'normal.' It's not. It's not at all.

Every day on Twitter, if I voice any opinion at all, I am never left alone. I am never treated with anything resembling even a modicum of respect. If I say that I like waffles, there are ten people who will come and ask me why I hate pancakes so much. It never ends.

And the expectation, now, is that everybody puts up with that shit. More than anything, it's assumed that, if you have a large following (1,000+ people or more), you have some sort of civic duty to educate, uplift, and proselytize. And you must always do it right; or else, you are shit.

Keep in mind that nobody gets paid for this. There's a strange expectation that people who have lots of people follow them, should be suddenly deputized into being an agent of Good Will, but only specifically in the way some random, unknowable person demands them to be. It's impossible to know what these people want, until the very moment that they demand you serve them.

I'm nobody's slave.

The sort of fame you cannot get rid of

Schrodinger's Celebrity

If you don't know who I am, that's fine. This is not some sort of pissing contest.

As I write this, feeling like I haven't since I was a kid, I just realize that, this isn't at all what I wanted it to be. I don't want to fight. I don't want to be mistreated. I wanted to be loved. But I'm not getting that, here.

Ideally, what I wanted to do was make content; and get some sort of response to it. And, on YouTube, I've gotten that. Oddly enough, I tend to get good comments— when transphobes aren't telling me to kill myself, that is. But that shit doesn't even bother me anymore. It's when they attack other people, that it becomes a problem.

I'm wounded. I will admit that. And I'm hurt, because, I will never get any sort of restitution, for the things that people have done to me. I will never get Verified, on any of the big four: YouTube, Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook. And that's all it would take. That is literally all it would take, to make me feel better. To make this feel like it was a fair trade: you drag my name through the mud, but somebody honors me.

As it stands, right now, I have spent an entire lifetime just getting fucked for doing the right thing. I've helped innocent people; I've defended the bullied; and, always, I get fucked for that. It's tiring. Why the Hell can't something nice happen, for me?

I want to leave

But I'm not sure where I could go.

It's been about 27 years. I've been famous, off and on, for different things, about 14 or more times. But I never really got any perks. I got shit on; and then, it was over.

Part of me wonders if that's just how it is. But I see the wonderful things other people get; and, I wonder. Why can't they be for me?

Why can a Neo-Nazi get Verified, but I can't?

Why can a self-admitted rapist get Verified, but I'm declined?

It honestly fucks with my self-esteem. I'm worse than those people? How do you fuckin' figure?

The Game of Verification

I keep coming back to this because my feelings are hurt.

On the Internet, admitting that you have feelings is the number one way most people get bullied. I'm not blaming them; I'm just saying that it's like wearing glasses in prison. People like that, they pick targets that they think are weak.

I'm not afraid to admit that, though. Verification's something that comes to mind a lot; because, it's the last thing that I want. I see it as seeking an apology for what was done to me.

There are a lot of people who want to pretend that Verification is important. It's not. It's a sticker, and I want it. It's completely meaningless— and I want it. I want it so that I can leave the Internet, without constantly feeling like I just helped everybody, and I got nothing for it. I want my checkmark.

It's not particularly egregious or even 'impudent' to ask for it. I've seen kids get Verified. They have no Google presence; no other Verifications; no YouTube presence; they make no content. Verified, with less than 300 followers.

One kid who got Verified in February of 2021, they had less than 300 followers. Now, they have over 3,000. I want that. I want that sort of praise.

I fucking deserve something good, for all the shit I've been put through.

Not to mention that, I fit the criteria for Verification, every single time. But especially back in 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017! But I was always denied. It felt like someone had a vendetta.

If there's one thing that's remained a constant, in my life, it's that I've always felt like somebody had it out for me. And a few people, they've even told me that they have. I'd stop them from bullying someone; and, they'd follow me around, and try to ruin me. That's how I got my stalkers; and that's how I keep getting impersonated. That's where those fuckers come from.

I should note that, I'm not pointing out that the kids are getting Verified, as a way to say that they shouldn't be. They should be. I think that's a wonderful thing for a kid to get experience: to be told that they're special. No: it's not that they don't deserve it. I think everybody who can prove they are who they say they are, should get it.

What I'm saying, is this: I got snubbed. I fit the criteria to a T. I got fucked over. And I want what I'm actually entitled to, under the rules.

I point out that kids get Verified easily not because I want their mark taken away. I point it out to give you evidence that it's pretty easy to get. So why the fuck do I keep getting refused it? The bar is pretty low. If they can get it, with no followers at all, why the fuck do I keep getting denied?

And why did this even happen, anyway? I was defending innocent people. Why did some journalist imply that I was a fucking serial killer, working to get trans people to kill themselves?

When journalists find you and call you all sorts of names— terrorist, domestic abuser, sex criminal, rapist, serial killer— and they make you famous, they try to make you infamous... they put you in danger; put your family in danger, it makes you stop trusting Humanity. Because I know that this could happen again.

And what happened, aftewards? After the whole goddamned World tried to get me killed, when I survived, they fucking acted like they didn't even know me. Even the people who smeared my name, pretended that they'd never heard of me.

I don't fucking think that I'm ever gonna trust anybody, ever again.


I cannot stop being angry about this.

Try as I might, my feelings are hurt. I cannot get this off of my mind. I did everything right; I helped people; and I got fucked. Why?

If I could just figure out how to get Verified on one of the big four— YouTube, Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook— it would make me feel better. It would make me feel like I snatched something from the hands of people who wanted to keep it from me. I might actually be able to leave this place, and feel like it hadn't been all bad.

The other thing, too, is that— it's not a sort of fame that I can even wield with any sort of real alacrity. By that, I mean— I cannot fucking do anything for myself, with this fame. If it wasn't for Microsoft Verifying me, I'd have a bunch more trouble, getting people to read my book.

On Facebook, I get auto-denied. On Instagram, they say they don't know who I am. On Twitter, they've locked me out of any of the choices: at every turn when I applied, they would deny me, and then change the criteria, so I no longer fulfilled it. It's enough to drive me insane.

This is something I always think about, when I get online, because— there's nothing fun left to do, here. Just give me my checkmark(s), so that I can leave.

I don't want to be here, anymore.

Freeform Thoughts

I tried. I really did try.

On the face of it, this is an article I've already partially written. It's the same thoughts, and I cannot resolve them: I'm famous enough to be treated like shit, but I'm never treated like I'm famous. I'm always denied. Good enough to be abused; but never given any of the perks of fame.

To be fair, though, I have gotten Verified on Google, Microsoft, and Amazon. They're esoteric ones; but, they're shit that other people often struggle wif. On the face of it, it's not that bad.

But it does piss me off. There's nothing left to do here! And everything I try, it doesn't work! It's maddening!

Ideally, Twitter would open up Verification so that they had more choices. But, given how Twitter has treated me, and everybody else?

It feels a lot like waiting for a narcissist to change.

They are who they are. And this is them.

I just wish I could accept that, and move on.